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Humor

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Re: Humor

Postby Bushman » Sat Apr 23, 2016 10:21 am

ZG, read your list of jokes to my wife and she said I resemble some of those!
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Re: Humor

Postby punkin » Sat Apr 23, 2016 2:14 pm

I searched google for a motorcycle gun horn but sadly came up empty.
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Re: Humor

Postby Mud » Sat Apr 23, 2016 2:42 pm

Your only option then is a real gun.
Specialization is for Kiwi.
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Re: Humor

Postby punkin » Sat Nov 19, 2016 3:13 pm

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
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Re: Humor

Postby S-Cackalacky » Sun Nov 20, 2016 9:23 am

Those phrases were written with the skill of a person pressing keys on a keyboard.
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Re: Humor

Postby punkin » Tue Jun 20, 2017 10:48 pm

Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation.
But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.
"I say, ‘tis a remarkable dong you have there," Paddy was prompted to remark.
“T’wasn't always that way," replied Mick. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said.
"I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand bucks, but as you can see,well worth it."
Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to
Dublin. It was a good six months later before he ran into
Mick once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken
his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand bucks only" said Paddy.
Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin,
same doctor.
Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look.
Once more they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a
peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared
and he started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?"
"No wonder you got it at half price," Mick laughed. "That's my old one!"
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Re: Humor

Postby Kareltje » Wed Jun 21, 2017 4:36 pm

In that category:

John comes in a bar and orders a beer. He hears a conversation at the bar with a George, who is complaining about the bad mood of his horse. "Always a bad temper, I would give 1000 dollars to a person who could make my horse a bit happier."
"Well", says John, "I can give it a try." So he walks outside, whispers something in the horses ear and the horse starts laughing. So he collects his 1000 dollars, let everybody in the bar have a drink on him and goes home.

Next week he comes again in the bar and meets George again. To his surprise, George is now complaining about the good mood of his horse. "Every now and then the horse stops and gets a fit of laughter. It is of no use, I can neither drive nor work with it. I give 2000 dollars to someone who can make the horse stop laughing. So John of course offers again to give it a try.
He walks to the horse that greets him with a laughter, takes it after the bar to a quiet place and returns after ten minutes.
The horse is now crying, and John enter the bar to collect his well earned 2000 dollars.
Of course he gives a round and while they are drinking it, George asks John: "How did you do that? First you made my horse rolling with laughter and now it is crying its eyes out!"
"Well", said John, "first I told him I was hung heavier than he was. Then I showed him I was."
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Re: Humor

Postby Azframer » Wed Jun 21, 2017 10:16 pm

Live long, live well and prosper

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can
be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the
175 lbs I've gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just
give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

The speed with which a woman says "nothing", when asked "What's wrong?",
is inversely proportional to the severity of the crap storm that's coming.

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us'. If you're in
Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. Pretty sure she's going
to get me something.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's
clothing line named, "Sag Harbor".

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of
tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their
noses?

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course, Opie -- all single.
The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Friends call me Rick
Drank all night and I am still thirsty!
But I don't feel like I got to much blood in my alcyhol.
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Re: Humor

Postby S-Cackalacky » Thu Jun 22, 2017 7:05 am

A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Where is the bar tender?".
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